Call me a xenophobe if you want to, but I really think the United States needs to do a much better job in securing our borders.  If we’re not careful, those damned Canadians are going to be all over the place, taking our jobs.

When I was a kid I watched the television show “CHiPs.”  It taught me the valuable life lesson that if I didn’t work hard and failed in life?  I could always go to California and become a traffic cop.

Don’t look at the hole in the donut… look at the whole donut.  (blatantly stealing that from the late Gabe Paul, but then adding my own spin…)

Don’t count your chickens before you count your secret herbs and spices.

Perhaps it’s true that money can’t buy happiness.  But I think it’s only fair to give me a few million and let me learn that lesson on my own, damnit.

So many people claim to live by the mantra “What Would Jesus Do?,” but so few go around wearing sandals, wandering deserts, and working to cure leprosy.

Stop posting pictures of your food on social media, people.  I mean, really.  There are millions of starving children in Africa without Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest or Twitter.

You know a phrase that, five years removed, I’ve yet to hear anyone utter?  “Man, I really miss the comedy stylings of Jay Leno.”

and finally…

Tonight as people take to their revelry, they shouldn’t worry quite so much about driving home safely.  The life they save?  Just might not be worth it.

Seriously though… whether you’re going out or staying in to launch 2019?  Be safe.  After all, you want to be around to see 2020, right?

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